Ever been in a heated debate with a work colleague? Felt your cheeks burning, hands shaking and heart pounding as you find the words to respond to an insensitive joke, narrow minded comment or other offensive bullshit??? In these moments, I have three go to options: 1. Be the ally I know I am, blast this jerk in front of everyone and show them their attitudes and/or behaviours will no longer be tolerated.
2. Just die a little on the inside and plan your escape from this workplace (whilst hating yourself for backing down).
3. Engage them in calm discussion about how their comments/actions can be perceived as offensive.
I know number one feels good, so good in the moment, but afterwards, pangs of regret take over. I stay awake at night replaying what I said over and over, fearing complaints, workplace resolution meetings or being labelled as ‘difficult’ or ‘sensitive’.
Too often, I have also been number two; too scared of ‘rocking the boat’, too junior to feel empowered and once again hating myself for not being braver.
But sometimes, I have chosen number three. And you know what, the more times I did this, the more confident I became and the better I felt afterwards. Once I mastered the skill of staying calm and removing the feeling of being attacked from the comments, I was able to engage with the person. By staying neutral, I could use logic and sensitivity to understand how they came to this perspective, gently challenge their assumptions and leave the conversation open for further engagement in future. When done well, this has the power to actually improve relations with co-workers and build a better workplace culture.
Another excellent alternative? Change the narrative you tell yourself. Instead of beating yourself up for not fighting every battle that comes to your door, accept that this takes energy, empathy and time. Not every battle is worth fighting; not every person will be open to changing their mind. Remember to keep safe, look after you first, and feel free to leave the negative bullshit of others behind. Instead, focus on building a supportive network of friends, mentors and allies, so the next time you are confronted, you have safe spaces to vent, seek advice and feel validated in your fury. Whatever option you choose, know that you are not defined by one moment. We are all growing and learning; and navigating conflict in the workplace is just another skill that can be mastered through practice.
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